"I can’t tell if I need a Nyan cat shirt, or if that is, in fact, the opposite of what I need."
"Me and (boy’s name here) used to watch that show together all the time, back when he still talked to me and thought I was straight."
"There are Green Peace people up in Chicago, and if it weren’t for the jackets I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them and the homeless people. I’m just saying, they’re both dirty and disheveled and begging me for money. I have literally walked entire blocks out of my way to avoid the Green Peace people. I am poor."
"Octopuses are like the assholes of the sea. I love them, they’re fascinating, but I never wanna be in reach of their tentacles. Those things are dicks."
"In Chicago they’ll put raman noodles on sale, four packs for a dollar. That is not a sale - I mean, how much are they normally? Because here I can get a 24-pack for $2.50 … all the time."
"That’s gonna be $29.50, if you spend $0.50 you get a $15 rewards card." "HANNAH. GIVE ME A THING" "… what kind of th-" "I DON’T EVEN CARE RIGHT NOW. THERE ARE BARGAINS."